„On the other side of the mirror”- the world before, during and after divorce”

People, who divorce often experience feeling, as if they have gone to the other side of the
mirror, they find themselves in the different reality.

The person, who they loved, have chosen, have shared the bed and the table with, who
seemed similar to them, had the same worldviews and soulmates, now it turns out, they
were wrong. They are out of their reality. They discover the person’s gross disloyalty,
negligence, betrayal, abuse. They get divorced.

The courtroom is the scene of a personal drama. Suddenly the couple's intimacy is taken
into the courtroom. Both sides of the drama find themselves in front of several people, who
make up the judging panel of their divorce.

The divorcing person can see the closest person in the different light.

  1. The closest friend so far requests a divorce with a declaration of guilt, and presents

    him/her in the bad light.

  2. The child explodes with anger.
  3. The parents inform that, they don't support the behavior of the spouse, but they don’t

    see the reason to stay on his/her side, because they like him/her very much.

  4. Sometimes the family have a great difficulty with what to say to the neighbours about

    their divorce.

If the marriage lasted longer (couple of years) and if they have mutual friends, the person
undergoing divorce can hear from closest friends, that they don't understand the intention of
the divorce, that the divorce is a result of egoism and that they would not do similar thing
and that the spouse is a holly person.

The divorcing person can find herself/himself in a completely new psychological situation,
because the family members, friends, acquaintances are gradually disappearing.
Each of these social situations can change the way, a person who is divorcing looks at the
world. There is a big chance that the divorcing person will be stuck in the feeling of grief,
being hurt, loneliness, being judged by people around them. Disloyalty or ambivalence of
the parents hurts the most, if the divorce is the result of a deep need. The deep needs mean
that she/he felt alienated, disrespected and destroyed in the relationship.

Threat and insecurity

When a long, strong relationship ends, one can feel sensible, fragile, fearful and the
divorcing people feel like that. The future is uncertain. The persons undergoing divorce do
not realize how much his or her self-esteem, thinking, feelings, behaviours are influenced by
the partner. That is, how much they look at the world through his/her partner’s eyes.

If the divorce itself and the year after divorce has happily passed, the divorced person
realizes that he/she thinks differently and starts to think about himself./herself. That person
can realize how deeply she/he was mentally, emotionally dependent on the partner.

Self -esteem

Arguing, insulting the partner, being malicious, depreciating, taking out the self-value
overtly or covertly doesn’t support the inner peace, stability of self -esteem of a person who
is getting divorced. The divorcing person self -image however is changing during and after
the divorce. Bitter tears but also the ocean of relief are felt during and after the divorce. The
feeling of relief confirms the right decision about the divorce. If, after the divorce, we feel
healthier, more confident and calmer, it helps to adapt to the situation after the divorce. It
seems to be the rule however that the divorcing person misses, what has gone. That is the
period of time, when the person has to say goodbye to the illusions associated with the
relationship. The illusions, that the marriage will build something in their lives. When the
divorced person stops missing the presence of the partner, psychical separation becomes a
fact. The early effect of divorce passes away. It doesn’t mean though that all the suffering is

Division of the assets

The important stage after the divorce is division of assets. This is a fundamental matter. The
divorcing persons can fight hard to the blood, get divorce quickly or delay the final decision.
Usually, every couple has big illusions that in their situation the division of the assets will be
painless. Most often they are wrong. A great shock, which comes on the other side of the
mirror, comes with a bossy partner and his/her enormous control and aggression.
People say, that the aggression during division of the property is similar to that of a shark. If
one of the spouses feels more threatened by the divorce, the fight about division of the
property may turn out extremely fierce. The children, lawyers, acquaintances could take part
in the fight during the divorce. The ingenuity of the scenarios of the fight for the property is
huge. The more the divorcing person doesn’t recognize in himself/herself the grief,
confusion, greed, the longer the fight can be. The welfare of the children may be considered
and it happens so often but it could be also an excuse for the aggression.

When the divorce makes sense

The divorce makes sense, if staying in the relationship could damage the partner.

  1. If the person becomes sick because of the stress in the relationship.
  2. If the person hasn’t achieved the life goals by staying in the relationship.
  3. If the emotional and sexual relationship is difficult and it doesn’t look like something
    is going to change.

The relationship with the rigid and cold people can be difficult. People like that function
properly but they lack depth and warmth. The relationship with aggressive people who are
always dissatisfied are difficult. Also awkward are the relationship with people, who present
themselves as flawless and who, program their lack of continuous and embarrassment on
the partner who doesn’t know why he/she feels bad and tired.

The divorce with the “Comfort-loving Man/Woman” could be very difficult. For the
“Comfort-loving Man/Woman” the partner is like a part of furniture. Basically the partner is
a chambermaid, cook, maid or courtesan for the “Comfort-loving Man/Woman”. He/she
doesn’t take into account his/her interests, what partner feels and thinks. This kind of the
inner relationships can be unrecognised by the neighbourhood. The divorce of such couple
may be a huge surprise for the closest friends.
Usually, the intensive anger accompanying the divorce disappears after few months, when
the partners sort themselves out.