Codependency – when the thoughts, feelings, and emotions of a person are adapted to the partner. Codependency can be understood as building the entire life around the partner, hoping that this partner will be interested, involved, appreciate love, and sacrifice, and will respect the woman. In the history of the relationship, there were periods when the partner was providing attention, commitment, sex, money, and respect. Then the partner withdraws from the relationship and is less involved. Periods of commitment and withdrawal of the partner of the codependent person repeat cyclically. When the partner does not show interest, does not engage, cheats, or disappears from the life of this person, the codependent person decides to divorce or separate. The object of love slowly disappears, there is emptiness, anger, frustration, and fatigue. The codependent woman is confused and does not know what she wants. Previous life plans were focused on the partner and meeting his needs, ideas related to him, and a common vision of the future. The dominant state during divorce is the feeling of helplessness, failure, and life defeat. A natural question is, "What happened that I found myself in such a situation, that I chose such a partner?", "What do I have to learn?", "What did I not see in this man?"
A state of helplessness and powerlessness is an opportunity for a woman to build herself differently.
When a codependent person decides to divorce, it means that they no longer want this way of life, they do not agree to what this relationship brings. Often, decisions about separation/divorce are made on impulse, a row, does not end with a decision about divorce and its implementation.
The first period after divorce is a surprise and helplessness. It is good if, during this time, the divorcing person has time for a moment of reflection "What do I want in my life? How do I want to treat myself? How do I want to rebuild my life?"
The next period after divorce is a time when friendships crumble. These are periods of sadness when the divorced person realizes that various friendships from their previous life have ended. In order to regain strength after divorce, it is extremely important to feel the sadness and mourn the old relationship. Obsessively throwing oneself into the whirlwind of social gatherings, heavy drinking, or escaping into work, usually inhibits the adaptation to a new life.
The basic strategy for healing after divorce is to build and strengthen self-esteem and build satisfaction with your new life.
Example I:
A 55-year-old woman decided to get a divorce after she realized her husband was cheating on her. Her husband earned a lot and kept the house. The woman did not work, raised the children, and had no say in her husband's life or work. In this relationship, she played the role of the mother of her husband's children. When the woman was considering divorce, her mother advised her against it, telling her that she would not be able to support herself. The woman herself was very afraid that she would not be able to support herself after the divorce. She used the support of therapy, during which she found a job that provided her with good support.
She negotiated favorable financial terms for the division of property, which secured her a good standard of living. Her mother's fears were not confirmed. The client not only earned her own support but also enjoyed a good standard of living after the divorce.
However, the client did not work through her sense of self-worth as a woman after the relationship breakup. The emotion that stopped her was the feeling of shame associated with her sexual life.
The woman defined herself mainly as a mother and grandmother.
Example II:
A married couple had two children. The woman was married to a farmer and had a secondary education. The husband employed the woman's brother. The woman said about herself "I felt like a nobody in marriage". The husband brutally emphasized that the woman had no say in his wonderful farm, she was mainly the mother of his children.
During the marriage, the woman obtained a higher education and took additional training courses. She took up professional work. The work gave her a lot of strength and satisfaction. The woman felt better and better, she was appreciated by both her employers and her clients. She found an apartment and got divorced. She left her husband's home. The children became independent in various ways and moved out.
For several years, the woman supported her son in achieving emotional and life maturity, which was successful.
The woman's sense of self-worth after the divorce systematically increased, and she felt competent in the workplace. Her organizational skills were highly valued, they enabled her professional advancement
and a good economic position. A woman has built her self-esteem in all areas of life except for male-female relationships.
Example III:
A 30-year-old woman married a man of the same age. They both earned good money. From the beginning, they enjoyed good financial success. The relationship between the wife and her husband was cold. The husband treated her with a sense of superiority, punishing the woman if she did not submit to him. The cold relationship between the spouses lasted for a dozen or so years. After a dozen or so years of marriage, the woman went to psychotherapy. After a few years, she got divorced. The woman became more and more self-confident and undertook various professional experiences. The woman achieved economic success. She also therapeutically worked through her fears in the area of relationships with men.
