Adult ADHD and Couples Therapy

A detailed differential diagnosis for chemical addictions and other problems in the family is particularly recommended for adolescents aged 12-19.

In practice, it is difficult to make such a diagnosis because the family is often unaware of their difficulties, mental disorders, addictions, or personality disorders. Family difficulties occurring in the generation of grandparents or great-grandparents are also rarely taken into account in the ADHD diagnosis. Couples or individual therapy provides a great opportunity to get to know yourself better.

What makes ADHD diagnosis in adults difficult?

During the diagnosis, ADHD is often confused with emotional instability, understood as, for example, inconsistency of emotions, excessive reactivity, impulsiveness, difficulty regulating emotions, falling into emotional extremes - switching from one extreme emotion to another, troubles in relationships, excessive sensitivity mainly to criticism and rejection, difficulty withstanding frustration.

ADHD in adults may also be confused with a manic episode in bipolar disorder. A person in a manic state cannot sit still, or listen to what the other person is saying, has racing thoughts, and has an increased pace of mental and motor processes.

It happens that partners and wives of people addicted to drugs or medicines who do not know about the addiction of their partners/husbands are often agitated, or in a state of internal anxiety, resembling a state of insanity.

Partners of sex addicts may also have symptoms similar to ADHD, especially when their partner's sexual urges are not satisfied.

ADHD is often overlooked and not diagnosed in professions where the symptoms bring benefits, i.e. help people adapt to their jobs. We are talking about work in corporations, hospitals, in the courtroom, in sports, in journalism, and in many artistic professions. In these professions, the ability to do several things at once, without feeling exhausted, will pay off.

Excellent training in the ability to do several things at once can be gained by growing up in a family where one of the parents was mentally disturbed or drank alcohol.

Below we provide examples of when being raised in a specific family contributed to the development of ADHD traits.

Example I:  A journalist often has to intensely concentrate for a short period, often during the night. Someone who has never had to work at night usually does not think of choosing a profession that will require this of them.

Example II: A woman who had an alcoholic mother, often did not sleep as a child, and instead was awake. She is adapted to working at night and will more often choose a profession that requires this of her.

It seems that a person who has a mentally ill father will be more likely to choose a profession in which they will have to do several things at the same time.
A person who has the habit of reducing strong tension in the family has to learn to live in a state of constant vigilance and internal arousal.

Some people discover that if they exercise, and move faster, it will help them focus. Such people are able to focus on situations in which an average person would not be able to cope.

Such people get bored more quickly. Routine in a relationship is difficult for them. Betrayals and divorces are more common in relationships of people diagnosed with ADHD. Such cheaters are more likely to not reflect on the fact that they did something wrong.

Examples of communication in a couple where one of the partners has an ADHD diagnosis

A person diagnosed with ADHD often has a million different ideas and the partner without ADHD symptoms feels flooded, overwhelmed by the information, thinks to themselves "Do I need this?" and feels chaotic. The partner with ADHD symptoms forgets what they heard from the interlocutor, switches off, and has a fragmented image of the partner's statement.

The partner without ADHD may feel that they are not getting attention, feel unheard in their needs, and feel hurt. The partner with ADHD symptoms does not know that they are flooding the interlocutor with information, that they are chaotic and hyperactive. They cannot focus on the interlocutor's statement and do not know what the partner wants to convey.

A person with ADHD does not know that they are emotionally absent from their partner due to their high internal tension and chaos. They may feel hurt by their partner because they are trying to listen to them.

A person with ADHD usually does not know how to relax, unwind, or rest. They do not know such a state. They can relax or calm down when they explode, do extreme sports, drink alcohol, or after a sexual act.

People with hyperactivity help society to end improper activities such as senseless queues in the administration. The rules of social life must be clearly defined for these people and to be clear to everyone. A person diagnosed with ADHD will not endure long queues, confusion, or chaos.

Because people with ADHD do not tolerate routine, monotony, they are often very creative, and they look for non-standard solutions in professions related to education, journalism, and artistic activity.

Relationships in which both partners have a diagnosis of ADHD can be filled with anger, frustration, and misunderstandings.

Below we provide a handful of information from various studies that, in our opinion, support the idea that couples in which one partner has ADHD should and can benefit from couples or marriage therapy.

According to research from December 2020, by the American Society of ADHD and Related Disorders, couples in which at least one partner has an ADHD diagnosis report lower relationship/marriage satisfaction and are more likely to divorce or separate than partners without an ADHD diagnosis.

• The divorce rate among couples with an ADHD diagnosis is 25-40% higher than in the general population.
• The average length of marriage for people with ADHD before divorce is 4-7 years.
• The main causes of divorce are incompatibility, infidelity, and financial quarrels
• Of the ADHD symptoms that affect the quality of marriage, the most important are:
  
  • impulsiveness 55%
  • emotional instability 46%
  • inattentiveness 42%
• Marriages of people diagnosed with ADHD who do not undergo therapy divorce 3.5 times more often than those who participate in marital therapy.
• Only 20% of couples diagnosed with ADHD undertake therapy.

New research published in 2021 indicates that adults with ADHD are more likely to choose partners with ADHD symptoms (similarities attract, people with similar types of behavior), which only further increases problems in marriage.

We would very much like this article to help you undertake marital therapy. An ADHD diagnosis in adults is not something that prevents you from working on yourself. People with ADHD can significantly increase the comfort of their lives through therapy.