Author: Małgorzata Krupińska

I. A 40-year-old client has two children. As a child, she felt that her parents favored her brother and cared about his education. She had to take care of her own education, with the help of a neighbor who advised her on which school to choose and supported her during academic crises. She married a man who cared more about others than his own family. Her husband enjoyed drinking with friends and family, which meant that the client had to organize and prepare these gatherings. After a dozen or so years of marriage, the woman developed kidney disease, which required hospitalization.
When the woman was admitted to the hospital, she was exhausted. She was diagnosed with kidney dysfunction. She was unaware that her suppressed fear and anger toward her husband were damaging her kidneys.
After several years, the woman was diagnosed with uterine cancer. She became the center of family attention and was treated with chemotherapy.
Psychotherapy can, in similar cases, reduce the fear of cancer and reduce the psychological costs of this situation for the entire family. It can help plan cancer prevention for women in this family to effectively cope with the fear of uterine cancer.

II. A young, beautiful woman was unable to marry the man she wanted. She married a man her father approved of and who came from a so-called respectable family.
In this respectable family, siblings were fiercely competitive in their life achievements. The husband was constantly dissatisfied with his professional achievements. The marriage entered a phase of latent resentment and quiet despair. The man dominated the woman, and the woman’s hidden anger and suppression manifested itself as ovarian cancer. The woman underwent chemotherapy but unfortunately died before completing treatment. In this family, the psychological challenge behind the ovarian cancer was the woman’s feeling of being stifled in her femininity.

III. A 55-year-old man was beaten as a child by his alcoholic father. He received his education with the help of welfare. The man displayed murderous aggression towards other children. He partially transferred this aggression to his own children, to whom he was a tyrant. He redirected a significant portion of the aggression towards himself. He developed stomach cancer, the tumors were removed, and at this stage of treatment, the man did not require chemotherapy. The unresolved aggressive conflict towards himself caused the stomach cancer to metastasize to other organs. For him, chemotherapy was required. An unresolved aggressive conflict, occurring across generations, most often results in a neoplastic lesion.

In the cases described above, the psychological conflict lasted a long time. If a similar psychological conflict had occurred in the family in the previous generation, the cancer had a more severe course.

All the described cases concern irreplaceable individuals who sacrificed themselves for others, neglected their own needs, and felt responsible for other family members.

In the process of excessive effort and sacrifice, however, a moment of frustration comes. The pattern of self-sacrifice ceases to be so rewarding.

Aggression and dissatisfaction are ultimately directed against themselves: “I will destroy myself if there is no love or attention for me. I will damage myself if my dedication, my overwork is not appreciated or even noticed. No one notices what I want to do for my mother, father, or family. No one even respects me for what I do. No one sees my love for others, no one notices how much I need this love myself.” In families, individuals functioning in this way play the role of a rescuer seeking solutions, of a hero. What heals the pattern of self-sacrifice and self-abandonment is the realization of the family situation. A sense of family reality is an awareness of what’s actually happening in this particular family. It’s an awareness that some are loved more and others less, and not denying it. It’s an awareness that some are less talented, others more, and that they all belong to the same family. For example, a woman must stop noticing her sister’s aggression directed at her so that she can feel loved by her sister. If a woman saw her sister’s aggression toward her adequately, she wouldn’t feel loved by her sister. However, if she doesn’t see the aggression that’s actually happening, she simultaneously allows her sister’s aggression to damage her. If this is the next generation in which aggression between sisters is denied, the less aggressive sister may develop cancer.

If the self-sacrificing person is more emotionally attached to their mother, they are more likely to sacrifice for their own family. If, on the other hand, a self-sacrificing person is more closely connected to their father, they are more likely to sacrifice themselves in their professional life. They might work as a doctor who is extremely devoted to their clients or as a therapist who has no personal life because they are constantly busy with their clients.

Cancer is much more common in families where unrealistic, exaggerated expectations were placed on their members. Such individuals had to make amends, compensate for their family situation, and improve their social situation.

A self-sacrificing person internalizes these expectations for themselves. A person with a pattern of self-sacrifice cannot imagine achieving lasting satisfaction and fulfillment in any other way than through self-sacrifice.

At the moment of cancer diagnosis, the psychological situation of these individuals changed radically. Suddenly, they were the center of family attention due to their health, receiving support from many family members simultaneously. The illness relieved them of responsibility for their previously burdensome relationships.

In the first example, the woman was perceived by members of her extended family as very hospitable, efficient, and well-liked by the entire family. No one, including the woman, noticed how exhausted she was from throwing parties and constantly serving the family, or how frustrated she was in her marriage. The illness meant that the woman had no one else to care for but herself, no longer having to confront her own anger toward her husband or his aggression toward her.

In Example 2, the woman was considered very independent by her family members. She could clean her married brother’s apartment and cook a lavish dinner in a matter of hours. No one, including herself, saw how weak and stifled she was in her marriage.

In Example 3, the man felt a great responsibility to care for his mother and adult siblings, who were less well off financially than he was. Cancer allowed the man to reduce his high level of aggression toward his parents and alcoholic father. Helping his family members brought him relief and solace. No one, including himself, saw the extent of his own aggression.

In these examples, there was no room for the personal needs of the individuals in question. All of the individuals had high levels of suppressed aggression and were under pressure from their surroundings and family.

A proper diet for someone with cancer is an equally important factor in recovery. People who eliminate various foods from their diet, such as those suffering from orthorexia, may have a significantly lower chance of recovering from cancer.

Chemotherapy and psychotherapy should complement each other. For some people, the decision to begin chemotherapy will be more difficult. They fear helplessness, physical pain, and dependence on medical personnel. For others, psychotherapy and overcoming their own fears and blockages will be more difficult.

It can be difficult to recognize during psychotherapy that a partnership/marriage is empty, that the woman is more of a housewife and mother than a partner. It takes courage to decide that one partner wants to leave the relationship. Sometimes, recognizing that a partner lacks respect for the other person in the relationship or is simply hostile requires enormous courage. Perhaps the greatest courage requires recognizing one’s own aggression toward a partner or the fact that we are acting unfairly. If we consciously see our lives, cancer will not have to help us.

Example I:
A 55-year-old woman decided to get a divorce after she realized her husband was cheating on her. Her husband earned a lot and kept the house. The woman did not work, raised the children, and had no say in her husband’s life or work. In this relationship, she played the role of the mother of her husband’s children. When the woman was considering divorce, her mother advised her against it, telling her that she would not be able to support herself. The woman herself was very afraid that she would not be able to support herself after the divorce. She used the support of therapy, during which she found a job that provided her with good support.

She negotiated favorable financial terms for the division of property, which secured her a good standard of living. Her mother’s fears were not confirmed. The client not only earned her own support but also enjoyed a good standard of living after the divorce.

However, the client did not work through her sense of self-worth as a woman after the relationship breakup. The emotion that stopped her was the feeling of shame associated with her sexual life.

The woman defined herself mainly as a mother and grandmother.

Example II:
A married couple had two children. The woman was married to a farmer and had a secondary education. The husband employed the woman’s brother. The woman said about herself “I felt like a nobody in marriage”. The husband brutally emphasized that the woman had no say in his wonderful farm, she was mainly the mother of his children.

During the marriage, the woman obtained a higher education and took additional training courses. She took up professional work. The work gave her a lot of strength and satisfaction. The woman felt better and better, she was appreciated by both her employers and her clients. She found an apartment and got divorced. She left her husband’s home. The children became independent in various ways and moved out.

For several years, the woman supported her son in achieving emotional and life maturity, which was successful.

The woman’s sense of self-worth after the divorce systematically increased, and she felt competent in the workplace. Her organizational skills were highly valued, they enabled her professional advancement
and a good economic position. A woman has built her self-esteem in all areas of life except for male-female relationships.

Example III:

A 30-year-old woman married a man of the same age. They both earned good money. From the beginning, they enjoyed good financial success. The relationship between the wife and her husband was cold. The husband treated her with a sense of superiority, punishing the woman if she did not submit to him. The cold relationship between the spouses lasted for a dozen or so years. After a dozen or so years of marriage, the woman went to psychotherapy. After a few years, she got divorced. The woman became more and more self-confident and undertook various professional experiences. The woman achieved economic success. She also therapeutically worked through her fears in the area of ​​relationships with men.

In the fairy tale “The Wolf and the Seven Young Goats”, the old goat had seven young kids whom she loved with all her heart. She had to leave her offspring to bring food from the forest. The goat warned the kids about the evil wolf that wanted to devour them. However, the wolf managed to lead the kids into the field, and devour six of their siblings, and the youngest kid managed to hide himself. The mother returned from the forest and found the hidden kid. The mother saved the rest of her offspring by cutting open the wolf’s belly and freeing her children. Out of revenge, the mother sewed stones into the wolf’s belly. The wolf woke up, and wanted to run away, but instead died, falling into the water and drowning.

A goat is as good of a mother as a mother can be. She is a single mother raising children, without the presence of a father, there is no one to support her in raising the kids. In real life also the father may be absent. He may be absent because of his job, because of his emotions, because of addiction or illness. The goat defines herself by her role as a mother, she sacrifices everything for her offspring and has no life of her own. She tries to excessively protect the kids from the outside world and remove all obstacles from their lives. The mother’s main concern is to feed her children, to nourish them, her entire attention is focused on the presence or absence of food.

The goat warns her children not to let the wolf, who is a predator, in. The mother says “I am a mother who sacrifices herself for her children.” The kids try their best not to let the wolf into the house, in the end, they open the door to the cruel aspect of their mother and are devoured by it. By warning her children about the bad wolf, the mother wants to protect them from her own predatory aspect.

An example:
A mother works overtime to educate and feed her sons. The father is a miser and does not give to the family the money it needs. The mother does not show her aggressive side towards the children for a long time. While she is a young person, she fulfils the role of mother and wife successfully, but later she lacks strength. The husband becomes aggressive and burdensome, and the woman ceases to be a wife and becomes only a caregiver or a nurse. He begins to demand more and more from his sons and pushes them to their psychological limits. She demands as much sacrifice from her children as she does from herself. For example, after the husband’s surgery, the mother asks her children to stay by their father’s bedside. Objectively, this is an issue that requires the help of a professional nurse. The patient’s condition is serious.

In the fairy tale “Rapunzel”, a young married couple lives next to the garden of a powerful witch. The woman wanted a plant from the witch’s garden and her husband agreed to steal the plant for her. Unfortunately, the witch catches the husband stealing and forces him to promise that he will give her the soon-to-be-born child. After the birth, the parents give the girl to the witch who locks her in a tower and keeps her for herself. Rapunzel’s mother and the witch are one and the same person.

The tragedy of the mother-daughter relationship is that the mother is unable to love her husband and focuses entirely on their daughter. She pays attention to her and is very present in her life. The husband is powerless and passive towards his wife’s behaviour. Later a young man appears in his daughter’s life and falls in love with her. The cruel aspect of the mother then locks her daughter in a tower again and cuts off her hair. The mother’s anger prevents the young couple’s relationship from developing.

Both young people, the daughter and the prince enter a crisis. To get out of it, the young man must recognize his destructive impulses, and understand the tendency to withdraw and give up, and the young woman must allow herself to be found by a man. In this fairy tale, the woman sings, which allows the man to find her.

This fairytale tells the story of the cruelty of a mother who wants to “own her daughter” and be better than her partner at all costs. Such a relationship with the mother may cause women to quickly break up with men. Over time, daughters become closer and strengthen their relationships with their mothers.

Example:

A 24-year-old woman becomes pregnant, marries and gives birth to a child. She moves into her husband’s studio apartment. The man, like the woman’s father, has a professional education and also abuses alcohol.

The woman’s mother has a higher education and is the one who supports the family. After a year of marriage and living together, the woman leaves her husband, returns to her mother’s house, and becomes her right hand. Meanwhile, her parents are divorcing. The woman uses her mother’s financial resources and lives with her child at her mother’s place. She is not remarrying.

Another version of such a relationship is when a woman gets married but has no children of her own and redirects all her attention to her mother. The daughter offers her relationship and her motherhood to her mother, e.g.: she calls her mother every day, listens about her illnesses, buys gifts, and asks questions. The close relationship between daughter and mother is not hindered by the fact that they live on opposite ends of the world.

In the fairy tale “All-Kinds-of-Fur”, a dying mother expresses her wish to be forever remembered. When the queen dies, she orders her husband and the king to marry a woman as beautiful as her. He cannot find a partner other than his daughter and discovers a sudden, impulsive love for her. The entire public opinion (court, councillors) is against the king marrying his own daughter. The daughter is terrified of her father’s intentions and sets impossible conditions to be met. The father, however, fulfils them. The daughter runs away from her father’s house and finds shelter and employment as a cook outside the family home. She works hard and fulfils difficult and dirty tasks. The daughter finds a way to show all her wealth and beauty to another man. She learned the lesson well with her father. She ran away from a home where too much was demanded from her.

In this fairy tale, the mother’s memory lives forever at the expense of the daughter’s life. If a daughter accepted her mother’s order, she would be condemned by the community and would lose her dignity.

Example:
The client is a 38-year-old woman and has two younger siblings, including one half-sibling. The mother has great difficulties in her relationship with her husband and does not maintain contact with her in-laws, she is an impulsive and violent person. The mother delegates her daughter to visit her husband’s family with her father, and to go on holiday with her siblings with her father, without the mother’s presence.

The fairy tale tells about hunger and the cruel part of the stepmother. In this fairy tale, a woman believes that in a famine situation, there will not be enough food for everyone and o that she must get rid of her children. The mother wants to survive at the expense of her children.

The father loves his children but does not decisively defend them against the cruel part of the mother. The father yields to his wife’s cruel decisions. The mother is duplicitous and pretends to be a caring, protective mother. She gets rid of the children from home. The children are so hungry that they fall into the hands of a cruel witch who wants to eat them. A witch in the real world represents all situations in which “Hansel and Gretel” may be at risk of being “devoured” – e.g. destructive relationships, partnerships, peer groups, and stimulants.

Example:
The client is 45 years old and has raised two younger siblings. She was her father’s confidante when he returned home briefly from working abroad. The mother was not employed and took care of her father. She paid attention to her daughter only when her daughter did something she didn’t like.

This fairytale is about the hostility of a mother-in-law towards her daughter-in-law. The daughter-in-law has no mother, she died and her father remarried with a woman he was afraid of. The daughter-in-law has six brothers and she is hated by her mother-in-law. In this fairy tale, the daughter-in-law did considerable work for her family by weaving six shirts for her brothers. When she finished the shirts, she regained the ability to speak and defend herself against her mother-in-law’s aggression. It is important that the mother-in-law first presented her daughter-in-law in a bad light, slandered her, and then accused her of infanticide.

Example:
A hard-working, educated woman, well-earning, got married. She gave birth to two daughters. After a few years of marriage, it turned out that the husband was mentally ill, which was not talked about in the family. No one in the family spoke out loudly about the fact that her husband had no contact with his daughters or the outside world. The woman was the main breadwinner in the family, she got the apartment and the family lived thanks to her job. Her mother-in-law criticized her almost every day. The daily ritual included reminders of what had not been taken care of or cleaned up, what parenting mistakes she made, and how poorly she raised her children. The woman resolved the conflict passively, left her and her husband’s apartment and bought a new one. The husband stayed in the apartment with his mother.

This article discussed some of the aspects of the predatory mother
Further characteristics will be discussed in Part II.